Active Listening

Active listening is a critical part of every relationship!

It is imperative that we learn how to become effective listeners in order to be good communicators. This is where mis-communication begins in many instances through our listening skills.

The following practice can be applied to ALL relationships; intimate, employers, friends, neighbors, etc. Practicing these active listening skills will improve any relationship that you’re involved in and enhance your quality of life!

For teens and their parents, adolescence is a time of happiness and troubles. It is a time when an adolescent breaks from the past, and yet, retains some childhood behavior.

As a parent of a teenager, you may often feel as though your son or daughter is speaking a completely different language than you are…most of the time. Still, active listening with your children during their teen years is important. This is the crucial time when they are forming their identities and taking ownership of their own values and beliefs.

Active Listening:

This a vital part of in a relationship, as well as, a communication tool that can help people speak with each other clearly to be understood.

Three types of responses in active listening

Active listening is about focusing on the person who is speaking.

An active listener needs to focus full attention on the person who is speaking. The way a person can show they are actively listening is to do the following

• ask good questions,
• listen non-judgmentally,
• paraphrase, and
• empathize with the person.

First, you train yourself to ask questions in a way that allows the other person to feel comfortable about answering truthfully, and about using his or her own words.

Second, you restate what you heard to make sure that you understood what they were saying.

Finally, you need to take the time to see things through their eyes.

Asking questions:

Often questions can seem accusing or blaming to the person asked. A question may make the person feel backed into a corner.

For example, if a parent asks his or her teenager, "You didn't like the movie, did you?" it is clear that the parent does not approve of the movie and, if the teen did like the movie, he or she ends up feeling the need to defend his or her position.

Consider how much easier it would have been to respond to the question "What did you think of the movie?" And once your teen has expressed an opinion, rather than giving yours, ask more questions to encourage the person further thinking.

Active listening requires the speaker to look at the hidden meaning behind the question. People often ask questions that might make others feel pressured into coming up with the correct response. For example, you might feel pressured when someone close to you asks, "Do you think I have gained weight?"

These types of questions tend to put the person being asked on the defensive. Often the person may shut off communication and/or become dishonest in order to protect him or herself.

In order to demonstrate good active listening skills, you need to make sure that you ask questions honestly and sincerely. The intent behind questioning is to understand rather than advice, criticize, or pry (the prosecuting attorney approach). Through this process, the person will also understand their own thinking by fostering decision-making and planning skills.

Active-listening questions intend to:

• Clarify meanings: "I hear you saying you are frustrated with Sally, is that right?"
• Learn about others thoughts, feelings, and wants: "Tell me more about your ideas for the project."
• Encourage elaboration: "What happened next?" or "How did that make you feel?"
• Encourage discovery: "What do you feel your options are at this point?"
• Gather more facts and details: "What happened before this fight took place?"

Asking questions: a self-evaluation

You can be sure you are using active listening effectively if you:

• Do not assume you know what the other person means; don't try completing the statements or say, "I know just how you feel."
• Ask for clarification with questions such as: "What did you mean when you said I have been unfair to you?" or "You said she's crazy what do you mean by crazy? What does she do that is crazy?"
• Check your tone for sincerity; As you are talking to the person, check that your tone of voice matches your feelings and body language.

For example, a parent may sound angry when in reality he or she is concerned for his or her child. However, because the child hears anger he or she becomes more defensive and shuts the parent out. The same goes for all other relationships; spouse, employer, friend, etc.

• Ask open-ended questions that allow for a variety of responses. If you ask closed-ended questions, you limit the range of responses and suggest that you already know what is going to be said.
• Show interest in the speaker and the conversation by saying, "Tell me more about that" or "Keep going, I'm following you."
• Don't give advice until after you have asked for the person's opinions on the situation, as in "What are some possible solutions to this problem?" or "What do you think should happen?"

Paraphrasing (re-stating)

Paraphrasing is a tool a you can use to make sure that you understand the message that you think the person is sending. It is restating the information you just received to make sure you understand it.

For example, your child says, "I hate math and the teacher because she never lets us do anything cool!" You might say, "It sounds like you’re having a hard time with math and that makes you feel frustrated and bored."

This technique helps people communicate in several ways.

1. First, it helps people make sure they understood the message correctly.
2. Second, by restating or paraphrasing, people draw further information from the other person.
3. Third, paraphrasing allows the person to know that the other person have heard them and is interested in what he or she has to say.
4. Fourth, it allows the person an opportunity to correct any misunderstanding immediately.

The following are examples of paraphrasing:

Example 1: A mother and son are discussing how much TV he should watch during the week.

Mom: "Mike, I'm concerned about how much you've been playing video games and watching television lately. I think we need to set up some kind of schedule to make sure you are finishing your homework and doing other things besides playing video games and watching television."

Son: "But reality shows don't get repeated and if you miss an episode you're lost! I have to keep up on my gaming too. All my friends watch this much television and play the same games I do."

Mom: "You'll feel like you're missing out on something if you don't watch all the shows and play all the games your friends do."

Son: "Yes! Then I'll be the big loser who doesn't know what everyone else is talking about, and loses when I play video games."

Mom: "If you don't know what your friends are talking about, you're afraid you won't fit in and they'll make fun of you."

Son: "Exactly, Mom! That's why I have to watch TV and play video games."

Mom: "Hmm, I can see that TV and video games are important to you. Can you tell me which shows you, your friends like best and when they are on? And which two video games are the most important to you? What might be some healthy alternatives you can do instead of watching TV and playing video games with your friends on a 'free' night? (favorite sports to play/fun outdoor activities)

Example 2: A father and daughter discuss curfew.

Dad: "Dawn, I'd like for you to come home at 1 a.m. from this party tomorrow night."

Dawn: "Dad, there is just no way. The party is until 2 a.m. and I have to be there until the end.

Dad: "It sounds like this party is a big deal for you, and that being there until the end is important."

Dawn: "Yeah! Jason will be there..., there is going to be a live band..., and all my friends will be there! Dad, you just have to let me stay until two.

Dad: "You're excited about the party and want to make sure you have every opportunity to hang out with your friends and Jason."

Dawn: "Yes, I can't come home before 2."

Dad: "I get that this party means a lot to you, and I am concerned about your safety. Let's get more details about this party--and your ride there and back--and see if we can work something out were both comfortable with."

Empathizing:
Empathizing means that you have the ability to put yourself in another person's shoes. To empathize you must ignore your own, perception of the situation for the moment and accept the other person's feelings, thoughts, and ideas of the situation as yours. See it through the other person's eyes--during your discussion. Empathizing does not mean you need to agree with the person. Empathizing does not mean you need to give in to the person, or allow her or him to set their own rules to avoid confrontation.

Empathizing means you do not dismiss what the person says as ridiculous or silly. Your acceptance of the persons thoughts, ideas, and feelings increase the chance that the person will talk to you about the problems and issues that he or she is facing.

It is easy to know when you are being empathic because:

1. Your body language and tone match
2. Your tone and your feelings match
3. You are focused on what the person is saying and meaning you are trying to see things from another's point of view, which requires that:

• You do not impose your feelings, thoughts, and ideas throughout the conversation...
• You refrain from immediately giving advice
• You are tired after listening because it takes a great deal of energy
• You ask yourself if you would make that same statement to an adult. If not then think twice about making it.

Results from active listening:

• Active listening takes time and practice and does not produce results overnight.
• Usually, each time you and the other person talk, your conversation will get easier and will include more active listening-- not just from you but also from the other person.
• If you are a parent, you, as the adult, have to lead by example.

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Looking For The Perfect Mate

Looking for the perfect mate?

I am going to paraphrase a story from the Bible. The one that I want to share is about looking for the perfect mate…

This is about Abraham sending his servant to find Isaac, his son, a wife. His journey was to find the perfect mate for Isaac. The servant was asked to go back to Abraham’s hometown. Before the journey, Abraham made sure that he prepared very expensive “welcome to the family” gifts for his future Daughter - In - Law and her Family including gold rings, bracelets, and livestock.

Did you notice that it was not only for the future bride-to-be but also for her family?

When the servant and his camels arrived at the “water-well”, he noticed many women. This was the time when women came to the well to get water. Here he would be searching for the perfect mate for Isaac.

How did the servant know that Rebekah would be the “right one” for Isaac?

He knew because she was the only one who offered to fill his need. Immediately after she gave him water, she offered to water the camels without being asked. This task was not an easy one. It required a lot of work to water the camels. Being hospitable and generous was the person Rebekah was. Immediately upon seeing the servant she offered a helping hand, putting someone else before herself.

She had no idea what was in it for her. She did not know the servant was looking for the perfect mate for Isaac. God did, it was her turn to be blessed!

The servant knew that she was a woman of integrity, good character, genuine - the type of person that would be a blessing to Isaac and his entire family. See, she was a genuine giver, not a taker.

He was proud to be able to present her to Abraham as Isaac’s future bride. He knew the qualities that she held. He had seen her true character. She had no idea what was in store for her, but she offered to help, wanting nothing in return. She was not fake in her actions. The servant was looking for the perfect mate but she had no idea. She was genuine…

Many times people come into our lives and then very subtly, isolation begins. The person may find fault with family and friends.

First, they make suggestions, as though something is not right with the relationship . The influence they have begins to flourish and you see your friends and family less often.Whenever there is a family event, or you have plans with your friends they plan something else, and you feel obligated to be with them. After all, they went through all the trouble to make the plans just to be with you...

God is a multiplier; HE brings Increase...ALWAYS! I want you to think about whom you choose to be with before making a commitment. God does not send division. Therefore, whenever someone comes into your life that you believe God sent----he or she will not only be a gift to you BUT also to your FAMILY!

The person God sends you will CELEBRATE and REACH for you…. He or she takes pleasure making you happy. He or she does not walk in front of you or behind you but beside you…!

He or she cannot wait to be in your presence. Everything flows and you enjoy one another's company. You balance one another...

Sure, you will have differences but you won't tear one another down.

Looking for the perfect mate does not have to be difficult. Be yourself and continue to fulfill your dreams. Along the way, you will find your soul mate.

You should never allow another person to put you down or call you names. If you trust them enough to share things that have happened in your past and then in an argument they throw it up in your face…RUN!

Love does not find pleasure in another person’s pain.

It takes three (3) months for true character to surface. True colors will begin to surface sometimes sooner but no longer than three months. You wonder why your chosen one used to certain things and no longer does them . Well, depending on the amount of time you have been together, maybe their true colors are beginning to surface.

Be cautious while looking for the perfect mate. History typically repeats itself. Be cautious of the past.You cannot draw conclusions as long as there is missing information.For example, there are ALWAYS two sides to a story. When you believe the first person that comes to you and you begin to judge the situation without hearing “the rest of the story”, you open yourself up to half of the truth.

Things are never as they first appear so reserve judgment. Never attempt to explain…..or penalize someone for actions you do not fully understand.

Beware of the unhappy person

Remember while looking for the perfect mate to be cautious of the unhappy person. The person who is always complaining but does not seem to be interested in doing things that will improve his situation. According to them, they have tried everything and nothing has worked for them. If you try to help them and make suggestions, they always have an excuse and/or reason why it will not work for them. Everyone is against him or her and they are the underdog in every situation and circumstance. Be careful not to get yourself involved with trying to “fix” the victim mentality.

People who want help are different. They are grateful for suggestions and are willing to try anything once. They typically are not complainers.

Never Settle for Second Best…

Now, Ladies, go and find your Isaac…

Men, Look for your Rebekah…

Happy Searching while looking for your perfect mate…

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Accept Yourself!

Accept Yourself...

You have gifts and Talents; everyone has special qualities. Your unique gifts and talents make you unique. Your significance is NOT in your similarity to others, but in your points of difference. It’s important that you recognize those differences.

So many times we try to conform to the majority, but I would like to encourage and challenge you to allow yourself to be unique as an individual. There is not another person like “you”. No one can do things quite the way you can. You were created for a special purpose, so discover it! Don't fight against it.

Find purpose for your life; Dare to be different.

I used to want to be different from who I was created to be; all I experienced was frustration! I felt inferior to others because I thought, "If only I could be like that person." "Why can't I do that or not do this?"

Whenever you try changing a part of you that isn’t supposed to change, you become frustrated!

Every gift we have goes along with our purpose, so embrace it. I’m continually working toward perfecting the gifts and talents that I was given. We must accept them and embrace them!
Confidence Builder! It isn’t something that you either have or do not have. And it’s unlikely that you lack it in every area of your life.

So how would it be if you were able to identify those areas where you did feel confident about yourself and “borrow” some of it to enhance other areas where you felt less so? Another thing about self confidence is that it changes constantly. One day we can feel completely at ease in a group of strangers, yet on another occasion we are overcome by shyness.
You must accept yourself the way you are.

Everyone was created differently and we have to accept our differences. We shouldn't try to be replicas of other people.

My accent may tell you the way I write. I have a country twang. Whenever I re-read some of the pages, I can see that I’ve put “done” where “did” should have been. But that is the way I speak and that is who I am, not grammatically correct but it is “me” my uniqueness. Thank goodness my major wasn’t in English! But, because it was in Counseling, I succeeded!

Look for opportunities to demonstrate your gifts and talents and find your purpose. Everyone was created to solve a problem. Think about that. Every assignment solves a problem. Teachers teach to solve an education problem, attorneys solve legal problems, counselors solve emotional problems, and preachers solve spiritual problems……...

Find a problem and solve it. Once you start, accept yourself and use your abilities/skills; they will increase.

Don’t get obsessed with your flaws that hinder and blind you from your gifts. Stop focusing on your prior poor behavior!

Learn to channel your voice and be heard! Maybe you might find that you love to teach. Maybe you might become a counselor like me. When you focus on your strengths there are so many opportunities that will become open to you.

What you would LOVE to do most everyday of your life is a clue to your gifts and abilities. Then accept yourself just the way you were created to be.

There is not another like you!

Celebrate your difference!!

It is good to learn from others, implement their knowledge and skills, but dare to be different. Stand up tall and become all you were created to be. Listen to happy voices for encouragement and unhappy voices for ideas. Solve someone else's problem with your abilities and fulfill your purpose!

Accept yourself because there is only one you...

Remember, be where you are Celebrated and not where you're just Tolerated!

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Communication In a Relationship

Communication in a relationship

Sounds simple enough but as most of us know and have experienced it can be very complicated and exhausting to communicate!

According to Webster, the dictionary, the meaning for "communication" is to - exchange information…

So why are there so many divorces, church divisions, wars, rumors of wars, abuse, violence and relationship break-ups?

Here are my experience on the subject matter of communication in a relationship.

We ALL have needs which must be met in order to feel loved.

Men value competency and problem solving.

Women value intimacy and emotional connection.

The truth for men is that learning successful problem solving ends fighting and power struggles, and therefore leads to more intimacy.

Women, you may think he's focused entirely on time, power, or money, but what he's really trying to do is create enough security that he can feel safe to let his guard down.

Men, you might think she's illogical or irrational, but she's responding to emotional cues you haven't been trained to see.

Women will fall in love when her emotional needs are met.

Women tend to be more emotional than men... Meaning that as women we need our emotional needs to be met which is to be listened to, have quality time, and to have one attentive to our needs.

Men desire their emotional needs met but their dominating need is to be physical. Men typically are attracted to the physical first.

Each of us have a responsibility in relationships, in order for us to be healthy and learn how to have healthy communication in a relationship which makes us more effective in our lives.

Everyone is different with his or her communication needs.

For example, if someone does something for me, without me asking, to me that demonstrates they care about me.

On the other hand, my sister loves gifts. She would rather have someone give her a gift without having a special occasion which shows her that they are thinking about her, and then she feels loved by them.

See the difference, I am not motivated by gifts. Don’t misunderstand, if someone buys me a gift, I’m appreciative. But that is not how I feel loved.

Find your correct communication style, and the style of the one you are communicating with it makes a difference in the way you are received by the other person.

Communication in a relationship takes effort in getting to know the person.

The most powerful thing you can do to keep a partnership strong is to form a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about, and needed.

If you really want to have a healthy relationship, begin by not complaining about your needs that aren't being met, but by focusing on understanding your partner's needs, and communicating what you want. Once you make the connection, you can begin to work out the issues.

Whenever you are in a relationship--it is important to find out what makes the other person feel loved, understood and cared about in order to communicate effectively.

If it is different from what you need. This may be a challenge for you to make sure that you attend to their needs but it is necessary in order to make the relationship work and remain healthy.

1. Talk frequently and honestly to each other about your frustrations, about intimacy, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything.
2. Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up. Learn to be a team, a partnership. Don't get stuck on who's right or wrong. Instead, focus on what will solve the problem.
3. Keep your connection going through communication, affection, understanding, and mutual concern for one another.
4. Have a sense of humor, give the benefit of the doubt, and lighten up. Try not to react so dramatically, and let small things roll off your back.

When you follow these four steps, your differences won't separate you -- they'll excite you.

Communication in a relationship take both people working toward the common goal to communicate effectively.

Typically, you give others what 'YOU' need in the relationship.

You learn how to communicate in the style that meets your need.

We naturally give others what we need and assume that they need the same thing. Then when people are not as grateful as we think they should be, our feelings get hurt and then we get an 'attitude' most of the time. We must learn how to develop communication in a relationship in order for them to be healthy.

Communication in a relationship has to be tailored for each person you are involved with. Not everyone responds the same or has the same need.

Communication in a relationship has to be learned and it is worth learning about.

Think of how you felt the last time you got excited and did something for someone. Maybe they didn’t respond by giving you the recognition or appreciation you thought they should have.

The way mis-communication begins. Information we are trying to share is distorted by trying to communicate what you need and it becomes misunderstood by the other person because it is not meeting their need.

Communication in a relationship doesn't have to be difficult but it does take some work. Especially in the initial stages of finding out the communication style that is most desired by the other person. Because when we are not giving the correct communication language the other person's needs. Their desires are not being met and therefore leaves room for misinterpretation.

Therefore, we begin to have problems in our relationship(s).

Ask yourself...does the person you are developing a relationship with enjoy gifts, time, words of affirmation, touches, or service? What do they say that you are not doing enough of? Is it spending time with them? You never buy them anything. Maybe you don't hold their hand anymore. You never compliment the way they look. That is your hint to their preferred communication style.

Once you discover their preference, begin to incorporate your communication with one or more of these styles. Example; your wife/husband/child enjoys spending quality time alone with you, then set aside time each week for the two of you.

This will make your relationship more desirable and the person will feel the love that you are giving them. When each person's needs are fulfilled it is easier to communicate with them.

Also, it makes one feel more satisfied to communicate with those who are interested in their needs. When you think the other person does not care, something inside us "shuts down." It is a built in protection from rejection simply called a "wall."

Discover your own communication style and then share that with other people. Stay open. Make it safe for others to disagree with you.

Don't be critical whenever you receive feedback that you are not communicating in their style. IF you do, they won't be honest with you in the future and you will shut down the communication. If you haven't had a truthful, safe environment before...it is scary. You will fear the unknown.

Give it a try, communication in a relationship needs the safety, honesty, non-judgmental, and no criticism zone in order to be healthy.

One other thing I would like to touch on is the fact that we have gotten so busy we do not take the time to listen.

We hear sometimes, but do not pay attention and listen! Be present with the person you are with. Whenever someone is talking to you, pay attention.

Don't be on the phone, computer, watching television, etc. What this says is that you are not as important as what I am doing.

Children will come and try to tell us something that is very important to them and how many times do we keep doing what is important to us and do not listen to them? Then we wonder why they “act out” to get our attention...

I notice parents with their children but they are always on their cell phones. Do you think that is being present? We don't realize that we're doing that most of the time.

We need to think about the message we are sending to the person.

Communication in a relationship is important and should be taken seriously if you want to develop healthy relationships.

People will get our attention even if it is through negative behavior... When we are caught up in our own lives, we fail to appreciate the "small things". Then one day we will miss important things and we never realized they went right pass us.

The day we miss these things are when our children are all grown up and our house is silent. We cannot go back and relive those precious moments unless we have memories to replay. Communication in a relationship with our children is important. We cannot undo those moments so proceed with caution.

That is why it is so important for us to choose to listen to our children 'NOW' while they are growing up and remain impressionable to our views. It also teaches children how valuable listening skills are in communication. When you take the time to listen to someone it shows that you think what they have to say is important which breeds self-worth.

Kids are people with very specific thoughts. Let's try not to be so wrapped up in ourselves that we fail to see the impact our actions have on children.

People who perceive that children are not important because they cannot make many household choices as the parent or adult. Will see the children sometimes as being their “property.” Whether we want to admit it or not, we do not stop to consider how our decisions affect them.

Have respect for your communication in a relationship with children because they will always remember and relate to others the way they were taught.

I remember MORE of what I saw as a child than what I heard.

Think about that...Before you tell your child "do as I say and not as I do" think about what they are really learning. We remember what we see and very little of what we hear unless it is repetitive.

This is what gives children an example to follow and will influence them as they develop their communication skills.

By the time our children become teenagers, hopefully you haven't lost their interest in communicating with you. Do they feel that we are open to anything they have to say?

By building the foundation of good listening, we are helping empower our children to become responsible and caring adults. They must feel comfortable with us in order for them to bring us everything that concerns them. No matter how we feel about the information we have to develop a safe environment in order for them to be comfortable to bring it to us.

We must create an environment in which we may agree to disagree and leave the judgmental attitude off the table if you want to keep your communication in a relationship open and honest. Otherwise, we create an environment where there is fear and intimidation which promotes dishonesty and avoidance at all costs!

Children will turn to other people for advice, be easily persuaded by peer pressure, and not become effective listeners.

Challenge yourself today! Find out how the people in your lives communicate and adapt to them. It is very fulfilling and rewarding to meet other people's needs and to have healthy relationships.

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True Friendship

True friendship involves a shared sense of caring and concern, a desire to see one another grow and develop, and a hope for each other to succeed in all aspects of life.

Real Friendship involves action: doing something for someone else while expecting nothing in return; sharing thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or negative criticism.

Sincere friendship involves relationship.
Friendship takes time: time to get to know each other, time to build shared memories, time to invest in each others growth.

We've all suffered a loss of friendship(s) in our lives. My thoughts, they were never a 'true friend.' That is a hurtful feeling and experience to feel that you had a close friend and when life gets difficult, they leave.

However, we need to look at this as a process of purging. Accept the fact that they were never your true friend which is difficult but necessary. There is a lot to be learned through the difficult times.

New friends will come. Stay open to others who want to be a friend. Not only when times are good but through difficult times in life.

Reach out and be a sincere friend. One that cannot be swayed by life's storms. Go through the good and bad times. Treat others as you would want them to treat you.

Trust is essential to friendship. We all need someone with whom we can share our lives, thoughts, feelings, and frustrations. We need to be able to share our deepest secrets with someone, without worrying that those secrets will end up on the Internet the next day! Failing to be trustworthy with those intimate secrets can destroy a friendship in a hurry.

Faithfulness and loyalty are key to friendship. Without them, we often feel betrayed, left out, and lonely. In true friendship, there is no backbiting, no negative thoughts, no turning away.

Sincere friendship requires certain accountability factors. Real friends encourage one another and forgive one another where there has been an offense.

Genuine friendship supports during times of struggle. Friends are dependable. With genuine friendship, unconditional love develops. We love our friends no matter what and we always want the best for our friends.

Reserve judgment until you have all of the facts. Every situation has two sides. Get all of the facts and information before making a decision. An individual will only give their side and if others are involved, another side is to be heard and weighed before a decision can be made.

First Samuel 20 focuses on the friendship of David and Jonathan. These two men truly cared for each other and had great trust and confidence in one another. David was running for his life from Jonathan's father, Saul. Jonathan recognized that David was innocent. Because of the genuine friendship they shared, David survived Saul's assassination attempts and went on to become one of Israel's greatest kings.

Treasure 'true friendships.' They are like precious jewels.

Sincere and true friendship involves freedom of choice, accountability, truth, and forgiveness. Real friendship looks at the heart, not just the "packaging." Genuine friendship loves for love's sake, not just for what it can get in return. Friendship is both challenging and exciting. It risks, it overlooks faults, and it loves unconditionally, but it also involves being truthful, even though it may hurt.

Genuine friendship, also called "agape" love, which comes from the Lord.

Relationships in real life involve different levels of friendships.

But humans are designed by God for lasting relationships. Often our isolationist society offers only vague, empty relationships. God wants us to have friends here on earth.

Most of all, He wants us to be friends with Him!

God's Word tells us that a friend sticks closer than a brother, and that in order for one to be a friend, one must show themselves friendly (Proverbs 18:24).

The question is: what type of friend do you desire to be?

Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with iron bars. When we've offended a true friend - whether by breaking a trust or by speaking the truth with love - we risk losing that friendship. We must be careful not to break the trust.

But when not speaking the truth will cause greater hurt in our friend's life, we must be willing to sacrifice our needs for those of our friend. That is true friendship.

If we sometimes offend a friend without meaning to, God's Word offers a solution. It's called forgiveness.

There is no greater example than the love of God for us. It is so great that He gave His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, in order that our friendship with God might be restored. He did that in spite of the fact that we have offended Him deeply. We have disobeyed His commands, turned our backs on Him, and followed our own path.

So the question remains: What type of friend do you want to be?

True Christian friendship forgives.

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Being Accountable

Being Accountable....what does that really mean?

Well according to Webster’s Dictionary it means: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility.

Before I begin, I want to clarify, that I will use “he” and “she” interchangeably. This doesn’t mean that my opinion is that ALL men are the perpetrators and ALL women are the VICTIMS.

Being accountable sounds simple enough, right? Then why is it that society has so much trouble assigning it appropriately? Whenever we hear about a woman being abused we automatically think, "Why does she allow that”? Or “I wonder what she done”? Instead of asking ourselves "Why does he act that way?" or “Why did he do that to her”?

There is no excuse for abuse!

Why do we re-victimize victims by pointing our fingers at her and letting her know what SHE could have done to prevent him? What about holding him being accountable for his actions? Or her being accountable for her actions?

Every person has to begin being accountable for their own actions and stop making excuses...

Some readers will say, “She keeps going back”. Okay, that still doesn’t give anyone a license to abuse another human being. Maybe she/he promised that she/he would change and he/she believed them. They have children together and that is their only source of income and he/she has no education or transportation. So he/she wants to try one more time. Maybe he/she is disable and has no where else to go. Made to feel that they should be honored that the person has taken care of them...

We fail to see that she/he is emotionally attached to her/him which is not easily broken. An emotional attachment is like the love you have for your children or parents. Would you give up on one of them?

I was in a classroom of teenagers one time and whenever I explained emotional attachment the example was for them to remember the last time they were disciplined and by whom. Then I asked them to recall when they were not mad anymore. After that, I asked them to ask that person to move out....I don't have to tell you what their response's were.

The responses were......"but that's my mom" Or "that's my dad". And if you ask teenagers some of them will tell you that they are being abused. But they still don't want to see their parents in the streets or taken out of the house in handcuffs......well most of them don't.

Everyone has done something you have apologized for and you're sorry and have no intentions to do it again. Well, victims give their abusers another chance, believing that they too are sincere.

Being human, you should treat others the way you want to be treated. It's possible that he/she has threatened to kill the children if he/she leaves or tells anyone and their love for the children keeps them there.

If you have ever dealt with law enforcement then you know what they have to deal with. It is not a pleasant system.

We wonder why more men don't report abuse? The humiliation of feeling like the weaker person keeps them from going to the authorities. Yes, men are abused too! Who do they have to turn to? The domestic violence centers for "women"? They are brain-washed to believe that only the woman can be abused...

Women should begin being accountable for their actions. I've heard the theory that they have been abused and that is why they behave that way but men were boys at one time...

But… I will say, it is not impossible to leave and start over; it is a matter of choice and a good support system. Begin being accountable for your decisions and decide how you want to live. There is a lot of support out there for women. Men, not so much. They have become stereo-typed as the "abusers". Then we make excuses for why the women become abusive.

Again, being accountable for your own actions, man or woman...

Battered people and rape victims seem to be the two crimes that we tend to blame the victims.

Regarding the perpetrator’s being accountable, why don’t we hold them accountable, ALL of the time, no matter who they know, what their last name is, or what football team they play on?

We certainly don’t blame people who get robbed and they’re a victim of a crime that they didn’t choose.

Victims don't report crimes because of the legal process. It is a very difficult to endure. Imagine having to speak with people you don't know. If you live in a small town maybe you went to school with the person you have to tell very intimate details that you are embarrassed to speak about. Then once you've been questioned several times, you're told weeks later there is nothing that can be done...

Majority of people don't want to speak about their most pleasurable sexual encounters, let alone their worst...

If we hear that a wife has been repeatedly unfaithful we wonder "Why does her husband put up with that?" instead of "Why does she act that way"?

And if we hear that a girl was raped we will judge her by how she acted and what she did to bring this on or what she could have done to avoid it, rather than them (perpetrator) being accountable according to his/her actions.

Why is it that we think the victim is somehow responsible for the actions of the perpetrator? No one should be held accountable for what is done to them, but instead for what they have done to others.

Seldom are people accountable for their actions when they’ve done wrong. It seems that as a society, we don’t make them. There is always an excuse for why they are justified to harm someone.

Parents or legal guardians have to take accountability for your children. They have NO voice and are only in the situation that you put them in.

You think children don’t understand and you send them to another room, if there is violence in the home and you assume that they are safe? Emotional abuse scars and there is a lot of baggage that one has to get rid of whenever you live in a home of violence. Children blame themselves for the arguments and feel helpless because they have no power or control over the situation in the home.

There are “accidental” deaths all the time because children are trying to “rescue” the parent out of violent situations. You think that it can’t happen to you and I certainly hope it never does but if you are in a violent home your child is at high risk that it can.

Let me clarify, a violent home is not one that physical beatings take place every night. In the beginning, it may be “power and control” that will eventually lead to violence. I will dedicate a page to understanding if you are in an abusive relationship.

As a child exposed to domestic violence I can tell you that abuse and violence in the home does affect children. You are affected in more ways than the obvious physical blows you receive.

In school you cannot focus or concentrate because your wondering what it will be like when you get home. Nothing is consistent or stable in your life. I became a bully because I couldn’t take out my frustrations on the adults in the home……they were bigger than me. Neighborhood children that learn your secret tease you at school and tell other kids which is embarrassing; therefore, you don’t want to go to school. Some kids aren’t allowed to play with you because you’re a “bad influence”.

That was just to name a few things, not to mention the emotional issues, guilt, anger and shame which children have to over-come. The baggage follows you until it is dealt with. You also learn the behavior that is in the home. Whatever is demonstrated in your home is how you communicate with others. If that is screaming, hitting, and cursing, then that is how you act. In my case, I was in my twenties before dealing with my baggage.

So if you or someone you know has children that are in a violent home PLEASE ask them to look at their home through the eyes of a child.

We have to start being accountable for our actions and the ones that we are in control over (children)!

Take an honest look at your own personal relationships. Have you discussed the accountability/responsibility needs of each party? If not you should do so immediately. The only way to be truly responsible and accountable is to discuss roles of your relationship in the beginning.

Being accountable for ones actions is one answer to the issue of control.

You were created for a purpose and you have the power to fulfill whatever dream that is inside of you. Begin today, believe that you can and you will achieve your purpose and dream and live life to the fullest!!

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