My 7 Point Plan for Getting Rid of Shyness - forever!

When you walk into a room full of strangers are you often overcome by shyness?

Does your mouth go dry when speaking in public ? Does your face redden? Do you start to stutter? Maybe you’ve decided it’s not worth the stress and avoid strangers altogether.

You needn’t.

Follow this 7 point plan and you will get rid of any embarrassment and stage fright forever.

1.    Draw a circle on the ground about a metre in diameter...... either real or imaginary.

2.    In your mind, create a picture of the future event you are feeling scared or bad about. Turn that picture into a full multi coloured video with sound effects, in which you play yourself. Identify the specific point at which you begin to feel self conscious; be as specific as you possibly can.

3.    Now put that video into off mode, and have a look around the room (to help you to cancel the picture).

4.    Now think of a past scene where you were fully confident and energized, succeeding in achieving your outcome, with no sign of feeling shy whatsoever.

5.    As you see yourself in the good scene step into the circle, be right in it; feel the feelings you felt, hear the sounds you heard in that past scene when you were supremely confident.

Increase the intensity of the association with the good feelings. Turn up the intensity another notch. When those feelings are completely filling the circle step outside of it, leaving the circle full of your good feelings and effective resources.

6.    After checking to see if the circle is still full, go inside your head and get the first video of the feared situation again and get ready to switch it on. Start to play it, and just as the moment when your fear was about to be cued in, step right into the circle, completing the video in the circle with all your resources available to you.

Take your time to enjoy the completion. A partner might usefully help you to watch for clues as to the effectiveness of the process by looking for changes in your breathing, posture, blushing, the absence of those beads of perspiration or sticky palms.

7.    Now test things by stepping out of the circle and think of your how shy you used to feel. How do you feel now?

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Why Hope Now

I believe making it important to hope now and everyone is immeasurable. Hope is the number one motivator in our lives. The idea that things can and will get better. That our lives have meaning and that there is reason for us to live, be and thrive.

Without these essential concepts life can seem overwhelming. It can become a long list of tasks that must be accomplished so that we can pay bills that we must and buy food so that we can survive.
And survival alone may not seem important enough if we do not having something of worth within our lives. There have been many days in my life where I felt overburdened with life. It seemed that all I did was work. I went to work, I came home and worked on other things.

And even with all this work, I couldn’t pay all my bills and felt as if I were accomplishing nothing. If I were not on the planet that while a few would miss me most (and truly all) would go on with their lives and the things that I did during the day would be done by some other nameless soul. But I always had hope that my life could change.

That I had the capacity to change, to grow, to learn, to choose different paths and different experiences that might make my life better. I had hope and without that feeling I would have stopped and laid down and died.

There have been times in my life where there was no hope now and finding it wasn't easy. When my attention was on the pain I was feeling or berating myself or the “hard realities” that I thought I needed to face to become stronger and better able to live in the world.

Ultimately where I have found hope most has been in people, books, spirituality and of course in my muse music/film/theatre/art. People find hope in different places. I believe it is something we must carry with us and make space for in our lives.

Sometimes in life I think of hope as a flower, it needs care and tending or it will wither away. The nice thing about hope is it has many seeds and you can plant them at any time and watch them grow hope now and for days to come.

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Surviving the Holidays

We are told “It’s the most wonderful time of the year”.  I have found through the years that this is true for very few people.  The holidays are stressful and there is pressure from a variety of sources including friends, family, the media and others to spend money we may or may not have, party and damn it, BE HAPPY.  The minute I’m pressured to be something is the time I fail utterly.

The following are some suggestions on how to get through the period between Thanksgiving and New Year’s with as much grace and as little pain as possible.

For Singles.  For Those Visiting Family.

1. Keep a sense of humor.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with making fun of the fact that you are supposed to be happy, filled with the milk of human kindness and surrounded by fuzzy warm friends, family and feelings.  I’m all for helping others and I do think that when you spend time helping others it does make the world a better place.  But you can’t help others if you aren’t in a good place yourself.  So do whatever you need to do to comfort and care for your self and I find that laughter is a great tool in surviving the holidays.

2. Watch some fun movies.

Go for really silly, funny movies.  “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”, “Elf”, “Scrooged” with Bill Murray, “Groundhogs Day”, or watch cartoons, or go to a galaxy far far away and watch “Star Wars”.  I find sometimes when I really want to escape a good science fiction adventure movie is the best thing to take me away.

3. Eat Good Food.

The holidays are full of sugar.  I’m not saying don’t indulge a little.  Just make sure it’s a little.  You can eat one cookie instead of ten.  You can have the pie without the ice cream or instead of another serving of mashed potatoes.  Be wise and go with moderation.  Just be aware that what you eat can affect your mood.  So be selective. Have smaller portions and don’t waste calories on anything that doesn’t taste absolutely wonderful.  Surviving the holidays by eating well - save those calories for your favorites.

4. Exercise.

I know you are saying “I don’t have time!”.  Park far away from the store where you are going shopping.  Walk all the way around the mall once, before going and diving into the major shopping.  Take a walk after the meal at the restaurant.  Take the stairs instead of the escalator.  Do sit-ups or stretches for ten-twenty minutes while you watch the movie or TV.  Keep an elastic band at your desk and actually take that 15 minute break and do some arm curls.  Are you at the computer every day?  stretch your legs in front of you under the desk and hold them there for a count of ten.  Do this ten times.  Exercise is essential for surviving the holidays.

5. Get plenty of sleep.

Whether you are spending the holidays rushing around doing all of your usual things or planning ahead for what to do with your alone time, sleep is essential.  Schedule in your sleep time first when you plan out your day.  If you are too tired to think straight, you cannot get anything done efficiently and perhaps not even done at all.

6. Just Say No.

The number one rule for surviving the holidays is remembering that you can always say “No” to anything you don’t really want to do.  If you are too stressed, too over committed, or just too overwhelmed to take on one more thing. “No, I can’t bake cookies for the party.” “No, I can’t make the office party because I’m getting together to bake cookies with my neighbor for my kid’s class party.” “No, I can’t make it to church today; I’m exhausted and I need the sleep.”  You don’t even have to explain why if you don’t want to.  You are surviving the holidays with grace.  You are an adult and you can make your own decisions.  It’s ok to say no.  It’s part of taking care of yourself.

7. Forget trying to make things perfect.

Perfection is unattainable.  You won’t always be able to find the gift that is going to mean more to this person than anything else they got.  The dinner may not be perfect.  Someone may get a cold.  Someone may say the wrong thing.  Try to let things go.  The printer may not work when you want to print your Holiday letter and you may have to email it to work to print it, or take it to Kinko’s.  Surviving the holidays is about being flexible and allow things to happen naturally.

8. Avoid too much alcohol.

I know there are a dozen parties.  But remember to have a glass of water in between each drink.  Drinking too much alcohol will not help regulate your moods over this holiday and won’t make all the stress go away.  It may even make it worse and it’ll definitely give you a headache the next day which will make getting through the next day’s events harder.

9. Send cards or e-cards.

Many of us are feeling the weight of money troubles these days.  Instead of buying lots of gifts.  Send cards or e-cards to your friends and family.  Make calls if you can’t visit.  I like Rubber Chicken Cards and Jib Jab.

10. Elf yourself.

This is a really funny thing you can do for no money and send to all your friends.

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Surviving the holidays for Singles

Being alone during the holidays can suck.  Below are a few things you can do in addition to the ten before.

1.   Reach Out.

Being far from your family and friends at the holidays is rough. You may even find yourself envying those people with difficult families. Instead, step outside of yourself and look around you for others far from home. You can create new holiday traditions of your own. Or make plans to volunteer at a soup kitchen.  Lending a helping hand can assist in surviving the holidays and make you feel very good in the process.

2.  Stay Busy.

So how do you spend all that time by yourself without getting depressed? Well, here are a few tips. Stay busy. Give yourself a project that you will enjoy.  Make a collage.  Or simply get some errands done.  There were holidays that I spent doing laundry at the Laundromat and then going for dinner by myself and reading a book and you know what.  I had a good time.  If you enjoy yourself that’s all that matters.  You don’t have to live up to the TV’s version of a perfect holiday.  Just being able to look at my list at the end of the day and feel like I have accomplished something helps me feel positive about myself, and actually doing those things helps fill my day with activity.  Staying busy is a great tool for surviving the holidays.  It keeps you from having too much time to sit and think about loneliness and depression.

3.  Make your own traditions.

This year I had a big steak for my Thanksgiving dinner and enjoyed it far more than I would have the traditional turkey and stuffing.  Instead of staying up to the wee hours of the morning cooking and baking and cleaning, stay up late watching a favorite movie and sleep as late as you want to the next day.  Surviving the holidays is about creating traditions that serve you.

4.  Work.

Earn overtime pay by working! Most people want to take off during the holidays.  If you work at the office when few people are there, you can take the time to write letters to friends and get paid for it.  Who is going to hold the fort at work?  You help others and make some extra pocket change and it keeps you busy!

5. Have Fun.

Go out and do the stuff you love! Go to the gym.  Go see a movie at a movie theater.  Go shopping and take advantage of the sales late Christmas Eve or New Years Day.  Buy yourself the items you really wanted for yourself.  Go to a museum exhibit you haven’t been able to visit. You don’t have to worry about anyone holding you back.  Or volunteer.  Many Churches and Synagogues have volunteer programs on Christmas Day.

6. Seek out singles events and gatherings.

There are singles many parties on New Years Eve in every major City (www.prosinthecity.com) . It’s a great time to meet people because everyone is open and festive.  No one wants to be alone on New Years Eve. Or you can create your own party for friends.

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Seven Ways to Encourage

1. Gratitude Journal.  At the very least once a day, list ten things you are grateful for.  List them to yourself, in prayer, to someone else or in a journal
2. Daily Pages.  I find keeping a diary, journal or some other place where you get things out of your head extremely helpful in getting rid of negativity, in encouraging hope and in helping foster your creative spirit.
3. Read a good book.  I’ve got a list of good books that I love and continue to add to.
4. Hug someone.  It makes you feel better, it makes them feel better.  It reminds you that
5. Talk, Email, IM, Text, Twitter (Communicate and hang out with people you like & love).
6. Listen to Music
7. Watch An Inspiring Movie:  You have to watch what you find uplifting.  I watch science fiction, romance, comedy, musicals.  Some films that have gotten me by are believe it or not Star Wars, Singing in the Rain, The Music Man, Galaxy Quest, Manhattan, The Parent Trap, Knotting Hill, Casablanca, 

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Surviving the holidays if you are visiting family

1. Keep it simple.

Survival is the key word here. If it’s always a nightmare and you can’t get out of the family plans, minimize your time with them.  Make a plan before you attend.  Make other plans so that you can leave early or arrive late.  You don’t have to spend the entire holiday with them.  The less time you have to be on your best behavior the better and the easier surviving the holidays will be.

2.  Perspective.

It’s important to accept that you can’t change your relatives.  You only have control over you.  It’s best not to have high expectations of difficult people. Avoid getting pulled into conversations that you know won’t go well.

3.  Have a few standard answers.

How’s work?  Have one positive story you can tell about work.  If you are single and you are tired of people asking you “So what’s going on in your love life?”  Have a standard answer.  Smile and say very little.  Walking away or excusing yourself to go to the bathroom when someone just refuses to let you change the subject works.  If one person is the problem, focus on everyone else.  Just remember to stay calm.  Take a chilly walk if necessary. Hang out with the kids.  Have a long chat with a favorite cousin. Or rent a movie and watching it together.  Movies create a common bond that facilitates surviving the holidays in a peaceful manner.

4. Your time is limited.

Remember, if all else fails, that you don’t live with all these people all the time.  The evening or weekend will end.  Tomorrow will come.  This will be in the past and life will go back to normal.

5.  Plan an escape route.

If the thought of a party, family gathering, or other “mandatory” social event leaves you knotted up with anxiety, plan ahead for some “escape time” for yourself.

No matter where you are, if you are suddenly feeling overwhelmed with anxiety, claustrophobia, or simply more emotion than you feel safe showing in public, seek out the nearest restroom and stay inside until you have mentally gathered yourself together.

The bathroom is a simple solution that is always available.  It gives you privacy to take a few deep breaths, try to calm down, and mentally reevaluate your situation enough to decide if you think you really can calm down, or if you really need to tell the host or leader of the party or social event that you are not feeling well and need to go home.

Sometimes surviving the holidays means allow yourself to escape when you need to.

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Hope Now.

Hope Now. We can find it in the most unlikely of circumstances.

(1) The MTA and the IPod;
(2) Why it's essential; and
(3) Seven Ways to Encourage Hope

The MTA & The IPOD

I had an unusual experience the other day that I’d like to share. It seems that we can find hope now or anytime even under the most unusal of circumstances.

It was a weekday morning like any other only I was a bit grumpy. I was riding (standing) on the subway on my way to work and listening to my IPod which was in my right jacket pocket. The train stopped at 14th street and a lot of people got out. I felt someone bump into me, which is not unusual when people are getting off the train and then a tug on my earphones. It seems a lady had bumped into me and when she did had somehow pulled the cord to the IPod and the IPod itself out of my pocket. Before I knew what was happening the IPod had pulled free of the cord, fallen and disappeared down between the subway car and the platform. The lady briefly looked back at me, drowsily mumbled ‘Sorry’ and didn’t hesitate for a moment to continuing droning her way to work. I didn’t know exactly how to feel. I was mostly in shock and as there was absolutely nothing I could do to even fish for the IPod, I continued on until we stopped at 33rd street - the final destination of the PATH train I take to work.

Now, I knew my IPod was gone and there was little to no hope now or ever of finding it again. I mean it was at the bottom of a track somewhere. It was a lost cause. But even though I knew it was most likely a lost cause I thought it couldn’t hurt to ask one of the conductors if there was anything I could do. I spoke to the nicest woman, unfortunately, I didn’t get her name, she was more than helpful. She asked me questions as to which car I was in, she told me exactly what phone to pick up and exactly what to say when I picked up the phone. I went to the PATH phone as instructed and spoke to the supervisor, Donna was her name, and told her I had been on the inbound train to Manhattan in the seventh car and my IPod had fallen between the car and the tracks at 14th street. And if it helped any my IPod cover was burgundy. I expected to speak to someone like the woman who bumped me on the train, someone bored or irritated and sleeplessly going through their day. But Donna wasn’t like that, she was genuinely interested in helping me. I felt as though I was important to this woman and she’d be pleased to take care of me. I told her I figured it was possible it wouldn’t be found and that it might be broken but if they would be able to look for me I’d be grateful. In truth, I was astonished that they would take the time to look for my IPod. Not to be mean, but the MTA is the last place you expect people to go out of their way for you. But Donna was different and she told me she’d talked to some people and when to call her back to see if it was found. So I called her back after lunch and spoke with her and yes, they had found it and as far as they could tell it still worked.

I was amazed! All I had to do was to go one stop past my normal stop, go to this command center, give them my name and they had it there for me to pick up. At the end of the day, that’s exactly what I did. I went there and couldn’t find the command center, asked another employee who was also very kind and walked me to the command center and give me back my IPod. They never even asked for my ID. The employee, John, who shook my hand said he was pleased to reunite me with my music. I was thrilled. It truly gave me hope in the world.

I live in the NY Metro area. People think New Yorkers are brusque and unfriendly but I disagree. In the place like the PATH train where workers encounter thousands of people every day on their way to work. People who are preoccupied, busy and not even looking up. It would be easy to dislike humanity. It would be easy to become cold, unfriendly and unhelpful. So, here it was in the worst place that I found the best of people. Yes, when I spoke to the conductors and employees I spoke politely and with respect. I didn’t really have any hope of being able to be helped. But here the universe taught me a great lesson. Sometimes, hope, kindness and caring come in the most unlikely places, times and people. Sometimes you really only need to ask and you will receive. It gives me a fresh perspective and renews my hope in everything somehow.

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