Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Being Accountable

Being Accountable....what does that really mean?

Well according to Webster’s Dictionary it means: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility.

Before I begin, I want to clarify, that I will use “he” and “she” interchangeably. This doesn’t mean that my opinion is that ALL men are the perpetrators and ALL women are the VICTIMS.

Being accountable sounds simple enough, right? Then why is it that society has so much trouble assigning it appropriately? Whenever we hear about a woman being abused we automatically think, "Why does she allow that”? Or “I wonder what she done”? Instead of asking ourselves "Why does he act that way?" or “Why did he do that to her”?

There is no excuse for abuse!

Why do we re-victimize victims by pointing our fingers at her and letting her know what SHE could have done to prevent him? What about holding him being accountable for his actions? Or her being accountable for her actions?

Every person has to begin being accountable for their own actions and stop making excuses...

Some readers will say, “She keeps going back”. Okay, that still doesn’t give anyone a license to abuse another human being. Maybe she/he promised that she/he would change and he/she believed them. They have children together and that is their only source of income and he/she has no education or transportation. So he/she wants to try one more time. Maybe he/she is disable and has no where else to go. Made to feel that they should be honored that the person has taken care of them...

We fail to see that she/he is emotionally attached to her/him which is not easily broken. An emotional attachment is like the love you have for your children or parents. Would you give up on one of them?

I was in a classroom of teenagers one time and whenever I explained emotional attachment the example was for them to remember the last time they were disciplined and by whom. Then I asked them to recall when they were not mad anymore. After that, I asked them to ask that person to move out....I don't have to tell you what their response's were.

The responses were......"but that's my mom" Or "that's my dad". And if you ask teenagers some of them will tell you that they are being abused. But they still don't want to see their parents in the streets or taken out of the house in handcuffs......well most of them don't.

Everyone has done something you have apologized for and you're sorry and have no intentions to do it again. Well, victims give their abusers another chance, believing that they too are sincere.

Being human, you should treat others the way you want to be treated. It's possible that he/she has threatened to kill the children if he/she leaves or tells anyone and their love for the children keeps them there.

If you have ever dealt with law enforcement then you know what they have to deal with. It is not a pleasant system.

We wonder why more men don't report abuse? The humiliation of feeling like the weaker person keeps them from going to the authorities. Yes, men are abused too! Who do they have to turn to? The domestic violence centers for "women"? They are brain-washed to believe that only the woman can be abused...

Women should begin being accountable for their actions. I've heard the theory that they have been abused and that is why they behave that way but men were boys at one time...

But… I will say, it is not impossible to leave and start over; it is a matter of choice and a good support system. Begin being accountable for your decisions and decide how you want to live. There is a lot of support out there for women. Men, not so much. They have become stereo-typed as the "abusers". Then we make excuses for why the women become abusive.

Again, being accountable for your own actions, man or woman...

Battered people and rape victims seem to be the two crimes that we tend to blame the victims.

Regarding the perpetrator’s being accountable, why don’t we hold them accountable, ALL of the time, no matter who they know, what their last name is, or what football team they play on?

We certainly don’t blame people who get robbed and they’re a victim of a crime that they didn’t choose.

Victims don't report crimes because of the legal process. It is a very difficult to endure. Imagine having to speak with people you don't know. If you live in a small town maybe you went to school with the person you have to tell very intimate details that you are embarrassed to speak about. Then once you've been questioned several times, you're told weeks later there is nothing that can be done...

Majority of people don't want to speak about their most pleasurable sexual encounters, let alone their worst...

If we hear that a wife has been repeatedly unfaithful we wonder "Why does her husband put up with that?" instead of "Why does she act that way"?

And if we hear that a girl was raped we will judge her by how she acted and what she did to bring this on or what she could have done to avoid it, rather than them (perpetrator) being accountable according to his/her actions.

Why is it that we think the victim is somehow responsible for the actions of the perpetrator? No one should be held accountable for what is done to them, but instead for what they have done to others.

Seldom are people accountable for their actions when they’ve done wrong. It seems that as a society, we don’t make them. There is always an excuse for why they are justified to harm someone.

Parents or legal guardians have to take accountability for your children. They have NO voice and are only in the situation that you put them in.

You think children don’t understand and you send them to another room, if there is violence in the home and you assume that they are safe? Emotional abuse scars and there is a lot of baggage that one has to get rid of whenever you live in a home of violence. Children blame themselves for the arguments and feel helpless because they have no power or control over the situation in the home.

There are “accidental” deaths all the time because children are trying to “rescue” the parent out of violent situations. You think that it can’t happen to you and I certainly hope it never does but if you are in a violent home your child is at high risk that it can.

Let me clarify, a violent home is not one that physical beatings take place every night. In the beginning, it may be “power and control” that will eventually lead to violence. I will dedicate a page to understanding if you are in an abusive relationship.

As a child exposed to domestic violence I can tell you that abuse and violence in the home does affect children. You are affected in more ways than the obvious physical blows you receive.

In school you cannot focus or concentrate because your wondering what it will be like when you get home. Nothing is consistent or stable in your life. I became a bully because I couldn’t take out my frustrations on the adults in the home……they were bigger than me. Neighborhood children that learn your secret tease you at school and tell other kids which is embarrassing; therefore, you don’t want to go to school. Some kids aren’t allowed to play with you because you’re a “bad influence”.

That was just to name a few things, not to mention the emotional issues, guilt, anger and shame which children have to over-come. The baggage follows you until it is dealt with. You also learn the behavior that is in the home. Whatever is demonstrated in your home is how you communicate with others. If that is screaming, hitting, and cursing, then that is how you act. In my case, I was in my twenties before dealing with my baggage.

So if you or someone you know has children that are in a violent home PLEASE ask them to look at their home through the eyes of a child.

We have to start being accountable for our actions and the ones that we are in control over (children)!

Take an honest look at your own personal relationships. Have you discussed the accountability/responsibility needs of each party? If not you should do so immediately. The only way to be truly responsible and accountable is to discuss roles of your relationship in the beginning.

Being accountable for ones actions is one answer to the issue of control.

You were created for a purpose and you have the power to fulfill whatever dream that is inside of you. Begin today, believe that you can and you will achieve your purpose and dream and live life to the fullest!!


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