Saturday, January 11, 2014

Communication In a Relationship

Communication in a relationship

Sounds simple enough but as most of us know and have experienced it can be very complicated and exhausting to communicate!

According to Webster, the dictionary, the meaning for "communication" is to - exchange information…

So why are there so many divorces, church divisions, wars, rumors of wars, abuse, violence and relationship break-ups?

Here are my experience on the subject matter of communication in a relationship.

We ALL have needs which must be met in order to feel loved.

Men value competency and problem solving.

Women value intimacy and emotional connection.

The truth for men is that learning successful problem solving ends fighting and power struggles, and therefore leads to more intimacy.

Women, you may think he's focused entirely on time, power, or money, but what he's really trying to do is create enough security that he can feel safe to let his guard down.

Men, you might think she's illogical or irrational, but she's responding to emotional cues you haven't been trained to see.

Women will fall in love when her emotional needs are met.

Women tend to be more emotional than men... Meaning that as women we need our emotional needs to be met which is to be listened to, have quality time, and to have one attentive to our needs.

Men desire their emotional needs met but their dominating need is to be physical. Men typically are attracted to the physical first.

Each of us have a responsibility in relationships, in order for us to be healthy and learn how to have healthy communication in a relationship which makes us more effective in our lives.

Everyone is different with his or her communication needs.

For example, if someone does something for me, without me asking, to me that demonstrates they care about me.

On the other hand, my sister loves gifts. She would rather have someone give her a gift without having a special occasion which shows her that they are thinking about her, and then she feels loved by them.

See the difference, I am not motivated by gifts. Don’t misunderstand, if someone buys me a gift, I’m appreciative. But that is not how I feel loved.

Find your correct communication style, and the style of the one you are communicating with it makes a difference in the way you are received by the other person.

Communication in a relationship takes effort in getting to know the person.

The most powerful thing you can do to keep a partnership strong is to form a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about, and needed.

If you really want to have a healthy relationship, begin by not complaining about your needs that aren't being met, but by focusing on understanding your partner's needs, and communicating what you want. Once you make the connection, you can begin to work out the issues.

Whenever you are in a relationship--it is important to find out what makes the other person feel loved, understood and cared about in order to communicate effectively.

If it is different from what you need. This may be a challenge for you to make sure that you attend to their needs but it is necessary in order to make the relationship work and remain healthy.

  1. Talk frequently and honestly to each other about your frustrations, about intimacy, about anger, about disappointment, about your appreciation of each other, about the meaning of life, about everything.
  2. Strive to work together to solve anything that comes up. Learn to be a team, a partnership. Don't get stuck on who's right or wrong. Instead, focus on what will solve the problem.
  3. Keep your connection going through communication, affection, understanding, and mutual concern for one another.
  4. Have a sense of humor, give the benefit of the doubt, and lighten up. Try not to react so dramatically, and let small things roll off your back.

When you follow these four steps, your differences won't separate you -- they'll excite you.

Communication in a relationship take both people working toward the common goal to communicate effectively.

Typically, you give others what 'YOU' need in the relationship.

You learn how to communicate in the style that meets your need.

We naturally give others what we need and assume that they need the same thing. Then when people are not as grateful as we think they should be, our feelings get hurt and then we get an 'attitude' most of the time. We must learn how to develop communication in a relationship in order for them to be healthy.

Communication in a relationship has to be tailored for each person you are involved with. Not everyone responds the same or has the same need.

Communication in a relationship has to be learned and it is worth learning about.

Think of how you felt the last time you got excited and did something for someone. Maybe they didn’t respond by giving you the recognition or appreciation you thought they should have.

The way mis-communication begins. Information we are trying to share is distorted by trying to communicate what you need and it becomes misunderstood by the other person because it is not meeting their need.

Communication in a relationship doesn't have to be difficult but it does take some work. Especially in the initial stages of finding out the communication style that is most desired by the other person. Because when we are not giving the correct communication language the other person's needs. Their desires are not being met and therefore leaves room for misinterpretation.

Therefore, we begin to have problems in our relationship(s).

Ask yourself...does the person you are developing a relationship with enjoy gifts, time, words of affirmation, touches, or service? What do they say that you are not doing enough of? Is it spending time with them? You never buy them anything. Maybe you don't hold their hand anymore. You never compliment the way they look. That is your hint to their preferred communication style.

Once you discover their preference, begin to incorporate your communication with one or more of these styles. Example; your wife/husband/child enjoys spending quality time alone with you, then set aside time each week for the two of you.

This will make your relationship more desirable and the person will feel the love that you are giving them. When each person's needs are fulfilled it is easier to communicate with them.

Also, it makes one feel more satisfied to communicate with those who are interested in their needs. When you think the other person does not care, something inside us "shuts down." It is a built in protection from rejection simply called a "wall."

Discover your own communication style and then share that with other people. Stay open. Make it safe for others to disagree with you.

Don't be critical whenever you receive feedback that you are not communicating in their style. IF you do, they won't be honest with you in the future and you will shut down the communication. If you haven't had a truthful, safe environment is scary. You will fear the unknown.

Give it a try, communication in a relationship needs the safety, honesty, non-judgmental, and no criticism zone in order to be healthy.

One other thing I would like to touch on is the fact that we have gotten so busy we do not take the time to listen.

We hear sometimes, but do not pay attention and listen! Be present with the person you are with. Whenever someone is talking to you, pay attention.

Don't be on the phone, computer, watching television, etc. What this says is that you are not as important as what I am doing.

Children will come and try to tell us something that is very important to them and how many times do we keep doing what is important to us and do not listen to them? Then we wonder why they “act out” to get our attention...

I notice parents with their children but they are always on their cell phones. Do you think that is being present? We don't realize that we're doing that most of the time.

We need to think about the message we are sending to the person.

Communication in a relationship is important and should be taken seriously if you want to develop healthy relationships.

People will get our attention even if it is through negative behavior... When we are caught up in our own lives, we fail to appreciate the "small things". Then one day we will miss important things and we never realized they went right pass us.

The day we miss these things are when our children are all grown up and our house is silent. We cannot go back and relive those precious moments unless we have memories to replay. Communication in a relationship with our children is important. We cannot undo those moments so proceed with caution.

That is why it is so important for us to choose to listen to our children 'NOW' while they are growing up and remain impressionable to our views. It also teaches children how valuable listening skills are in communication. When you take the time to listen to someone it shows that you think what they have to say is important which breeds self-worth.

Kids are people with very specific thoughts. Let's try not to be so wrapped up in ourselves that we fail to see the impact our actions have on children.

People who perceive that children are not important because they cannot make many household choices as the parent or adult. Will see the children sometimes as being their “property.” Whether we want to admit it or not, we do not stop to consider how our decisions affect them.

Have respect for your communication in a relationship with children because they will always remember and relate to others the way they were taught.

I remember MORE of what I saw as a child than what I heard.

Think about that...Before you tell your child "do as I say and not as I do" think about what they are really learning. We remember what we see and very little of what we hear unless it is repetitive.

This is what gives children an example to follow and will influence them as they develop their communication skills.

By the time our children become teenagers, hopefully you haven't lost their interest in communicating with you. Do they feel that we are open to anything they have to say?

By building the foundation of good listening, we are helping empower our children to become responsible and caring adults. They must feel comfortable with us in order for them to bring us everything that concerns them. No matter how we feel about the information we have to develop a safe environment in order for them to be comfortable to bring it to us.

We must create an environment in which we may agree to disagree and leave the judgmental attitude off the table if you want to keep your communication in a relationship open and honest. Otherwise, we create an environment where there is fear and intimidation which promotes dishonesty and avoidance at all costs!

Children will turn to other people for advice, be easily persuaded by peer pressure, and not become effective listeners.

Challenge yourself today! Find out how the people in your lives communicate and adapt to them. It is very fulfilling and rewarding to meet other people's needs and to have healthy relationships.


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